Thursday, March 19, 2015

Open Letter to my Friends

I don’t know where to start. I guess I have to start by saying I am sorry. I am really sorry.  I am sorry for the fact that it came to the point where in you have to meddle with what is happening to my personal life. I am sorry because I am so immature and I made decisions on impulse. Now, what was I thinking? I thought that leaving would make a big difference in my life, but it will only escalate all my problems. I am sorry for the things that I have done and for the things I have to do in order for me to be okay.

To be honest, for the last weeks I didn’t know where I stand. I didn’t understand myself. I was lost. Then I have realized that you have to be lost in order to find yourself again. You have to be broken so that you could create a better you.

This whole process, it helped me figure out the person that I was and the person that I am going to be. I thought I was strong but now I know I was wrong. I was hurt. I am still hurt but not in a way that the pain destroys me. It inspired me to be a better person and that’s the person that I am going to be. Slowly but surely. I will get there.

I know that I owe you a lot of explanations for my flaws but it doesn’t mean that I am justifying my mistakes. I have to make progress not excuses for my shortcomings. I am growing professionally and personally. I am learning from my mistakes.

This was the first time that it happened to me. It was hard but what was harder is losing myself in the process.

For a moment there, I have doubted myself. It made me feel less. That feeling made me want to leave. I have to get away from the hurt and the pain. I thought that staying would make me relive the horror each and everyday . I have to leave not because I am selfish but because it is necessary. I have to protect myself everyday.  As every mental picture replays every day in my mind, it made me feel numb and it made me used to the pain. It made me stronger than what I really am.

I have to stand up. I have to pick myself up. I don’t care how hard it is. I don’t care if I am going to be disappointed but I am not going to let this get the best of me.

There are people in my life that I made a priority. They even come before me. In return, they just walked away. You might not know this about me but if something happens to my friends I'd go out of my way just to make sure that they are okay. I don't know if this whole thing is just friendship or relationship but  when it ended it hurts like hell. You know what hurts more? It's when people walked out of your life and leave you there hanging. Seems like nobody had the decency to say goodbye nowadays.

I have learned the value of experience. Although I haven't seen things clearly. I am forever thankful for the things I never imagined I could be. If it wasn't for the liars, I wouldn't  know the qualities of a trustworthy person. If it wasn't for the pain, I wouldn't know the value of peace. If it wasn't for the good things falling apart, I wouldn't know what is needed to build the foundation of something great. I have learned the hard way the power of acceptance thru my disappointment. For every letdown has left me in a position to grow and I am wiser because of it all. I now had the courage to stay open and that has only made me better.

For all those things, I still want to thank you.

I promise to stay because now I know that it is where I belong. It is a part of me.

xo

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Xyler Rain's First


It's amazing how a year could just fly by so fast. I hope that you turned out to be everything your parents wants you to be. Make us proud. I love you